I'll probably be fine

This is probably the most personal, emotional post you'll ever read on my blog. Though I am still in doubt I want to share this with the world, my blog is my outlet. And I really need to write this off my chest before I start climbing walls. So here it goes.

Today I found out I probably have a 2.8 inch cyst in one of my ovaries. 'The Thing' as my husband and I call it, has not caused me to have any inconvenience. And had it not been for the ultrasound, I would not have discovered it. Now it has to be removed, maybe during this pregnancy.

I say I probably have a cyst, because that is what the gynecologist told me this morning. I have faith in him, he seemed good and professional. But I would not rest my faith in the medical people I met before and after him:

Midwife: At 9 weeks, I had enormous pain. I was unable to stand or walk properly for a couple of days. 'Your womb is growing very fast. It's normal' the midwife said. For a week I felt guilty for not able to get up and take care of my family because of a normal pregnancy symptom. Today I found it probably wasn't a symptom, the cyst made my ovary twist.

Ultrasound woman #1: At my 12-week, ultrasound-woman #1 saw 'The Thing' and said it probably was poo. Not to worry, she said.

Doctor: I asked my regular doctor when I visited him about a splinter in my foot, about 'The Thing' too. 'No complaints?' He asked. Nope. Not to worry. 'Let them check at your 20-week ultrasound'.

Ultrasound woman #2: At my 20-week she confirmed The Thing was still there. Our happy baby moment was a little overshadowed with this conclusion. She said 'It's probably just tissue. But let you gynecologist check.'

Midwife: We called the midwife. She has to make the appointment with the gynecologist. 'It's probably just a Uterine Fibroma. It's harmless. No need to hurry.' She first scheduled our appointment ONE month from now. But we made her set the appointment for today. It just did not feel right.

The gynecologist said: 'It's probably a cyst'. He explained it and told us it won't harm our little girl. But I may have to get surgery soon, because of the size. It could burst (ew) or my ovary could twist again (ouch). Surgery would not harm the baby. He did want to have the radiologist confirm his thoughts.

The radiologist I was referred to this afternoon did not confirm or deny this conclusion after doing an ultrasound. He did not talk much actually, and when I got frustrated, laying there in nothing but my underwear while his assistant stared at me hopelessly and a strange doctor walked in out and without introducing or excusing himself, not getting any answers to my questions, I desperately asked: the thing I really want to know, is that I don't have cancer. 'Probably not' was his answer. I'll stick that political correct answer right next to my 'Thing'.

Tomorrow at 13.20, we'll find out what it 'probably' is and if when I need to have surgery.

My mind says me and the little girl growing inside me will probably be fine.

My worried heart says I could very well have cancer.

Today I looked at Tim and the very thought of having cancer and dying tore my heart apart. I want to hug him, see him grow and comfort him and give him a baby sister. And guide and watch them both grow into adults, ready for the big world. Words cannot describe how I felt hugging him on the kitchen floor and having doubts about being able to be his mom for years and years to come.

I'll probably be his mom for years and years to come. I'm probably too worried and being an emotional pregnant woman is not helping. My mind says I'll probably be just fine. But my heart will be unsure until tomorrow afternoon.