Oh, so THIS is why you don't shop lingerie with a toddler and a baby

Last year, after my surgery my husband gave me a gift: a gift certificate for a really fancy lingerie shop. I was excited, because I really wanted to buy a few new bras. But with me still breastfeeding, there was no use in buying beautiful bras or tops. Because, to be honest, there is no way telling what size you'll have once you finished nursing.

So the certificate stayed untouched in my closet for over 9 months.. until I quit breastfeeding a week ago!

In the last weeks I often thought, since breastfeeding was already brought back to once a day, I could go in the shop and try something on.. have my size measured.

But you know, I am often with the children. And well, a 13 month old and a 3 year old in a lingerie shop? I don't think so.

But last Saturday, I went out with my husband and children. Roo in the stroller, Monkey on the little board that goes with the stroller.

I brought my certificate with me just to be sure. We walk by the lingerie shop, there are NO customers and I see a window of opportunity... So I ask "Shall we hop in?"

The sales lady takes a beeline to me (remember: I am the only customer) and she soon suggests she measures my breasts & size.

My husband nods "yes" and Monkey and Roo are still quietly enjoying themselves. Looking at the different types of underwear.

(By now you have figured out we're quite liberal here :))

ANYWAY.

I follow the sales lady to the luxurious and well sized fitting room, with a beautiful baroque chair and silver mirror.

After I remove my (top) clothes & bra, she measures me. The verdict isn't too bad either, so you know, I'm happy.

She asks what kind of bras I like, and suggests me trying on a few Marlies Dekkers bras (which you should definitely try, she has stores world wide, they are a phenomenon in The Netherlands). She leaves me alone. I get a chance to look at myself in the mirror. I consider they should change the light and place candles, to go with the nice baroque decoration.

When she comes back with the bras, I suddenly hear my husband..

"No, Monkey, stay here"

OH DEAR GOD NO.

Monkey: "I want to go to mommy! Where is mommy?"

NO NO NO NO NO

And then he (Monkey) ran in. I'm still fuzzing with the bras. "Hi Monkey" I say, smiling.

Monkey: "What are you doing mommy??"

I explain and he's thrilled he gets to stay in the luxurious and well sized fitting room, (with beautiful baroque chair and silver mirror). And enjoys looking at the "things where mommy puts her breasts in."

I'm thinking, OK, I'd rather be alone, but as long as he behaves.....

And then my husband walks in, with stroller, to take Monkey outside with him.

But Monkey isn't having it.

For your image; the saleslady, my husband, a stroller with 13 month old Roo and Monkey.

...and me, without top, fighting with the bra (because while Marlies Dekkers bras are HEAVENLY to wear, they are really hard to get into) all IN the luxurious and well sized fitting room, (with beautiful baroque chair and silver mirror.)

"It's getting a bit busy in here".. I say hinting.. But Monkey is now all over the dressing room.

The saleslady doesn't seem to mind, she's really polite, and at some point I realize she likes children, and well...

Only second pass, my husband is getting ready to get everyone out of there,

Just when I thought it couldn't possible get any worse...

Monkey farts.

Really loud.

Like you know, the sound of a farting big construction guy with ass cleavage after eating a greasy lunch, who just finished a carton of full fat milk farting in a MICROPHONE echoing all over the construction sight, kind of loud.

(get the mental image?)

And the SMELL.

THE SMELL!

Like, you go to your fridge, you open that one container in the back and you smell the holiday leftovers.... of LAST YEAR.

And when I thought it couldn't possibly get worse after THAT?

He climbed (still in the luxurious and well sized fitting room, with a beautiful baroque chair and silver mirror.) on the beautiful chair..

and farted AGAIN.

So what have I learned?

Never feed your children beans.

NEVER take your children lingerie shopping.

NEVER.

NEVER NEVER NEVER.

But I did buy a nice bra. So I am now part of the Marlies Dekkers phenomenon.

My boobs are trendy, yo!